"As she laid down crying on the floor
she secretly wished him to say something.
Anything.
But her phone was silent as death.
And that's how she felt."
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| Kuva liittyy voimakkaasti. |
En osaa kirjottaa objektiivisesti, suomeks tai muutenkaan järkevästi
Mutta mun oli pakko tiivistää kaikki pienen tarinan muotoon.
Näin mä oon aikasemmin käsitelly asioita.
– A poem by me
She held the blade in her hands and sat on her bed. She wasn't crying anymore but she felt so numb it was almost like she didn't exist anymore. That is the exact reason for the blade in her hands. Slowly it was making small cuts on her left wrist and arm.
As the tears rolled down on her cheeks, she knew she was alive.
Blade wasn't always the answer. It became the answer when all the sad songs weren't sad enough anymore or when she had no-one to talk to. There was a time when she had someone to talk to in the middle of the night when all the bad feelings were taking over. Those phone calls, messages and sometimes even meetings were the only reason she could make it trough the night. It felt like the pain was slowly going away.
But as the time passed, she didn't find comfort from anything anymore. The blade was the only thing she felt like could make her feel alive again. She tried therapy many times until it stopped helping. She couldn't sleep and then in few months she was left by everyone. No calls, no messages. Nothing.
Not even an explanation. All the promises and smiles vanished into deep darkness. Memories felt like dreams. Like they've never existed in the first place.
That's when the nights came. The nights when she slept beside her phone and with every little sound, she awoke wishing someone was missing her. But it never happened. Until she finally let go of the hope and let the darkness take that final sunny piece of her mind.
This is the reason she smiles to people. Because if she smiles, people will think she's alright. Because then they won't ask "what's wrong". Because she doesn't want to feel like anyone cares. Because they really don't. And that lie destroyed her mind for good.
……but deep down, somewhere, she knew that someone cared. But her anxiety tied her arms down and stopped her from talking to anyone. She felt like she bothered everyone. That's why never asked the help of others around her.
There were people that cared. Cared more than she could imagine.
Her anxiety, depression, self-loathing. They all together stopped her every time she took her phone instead of the blade. And then finally they let go of her when she put her phone down and grabbed that blade.
Only friend that wasn't going to leave her. Ever.